Are you burned out… or just chasing someone else’s dream? This week on Epic Begins With One Step Forward, Zander Sprague sits down with success catalyst Zoia Ye (ZY) for a brutally honest, no-fluff conversation about authenticity, boundaries, and why so many of us feel stuck in lives that don’t fit. Zoia shares her personal journey of surviving domestic abuse, finding her true voice, and helping others break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and self-neglect. Together, they unpack the lies we tell ourselves, the silent expectations we place on our relationships, and why the scariest—and most freeing—work you’ll ever do is learning to love yourself. From relationship dynamics to personal growth, this episode offers raw truths, real strategies, and a reminder that you don’t need permission to live life on your terms. Ready to stop playing small? Let’s get uncomfortable… and let’s get epic.
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Boundaries Or Burnout? Why Pleasing Everyone Is Killing Your Joy With Zoia Ye (ZY)
I’m so honored to be joined by Zoia ZY. Zoia, tell us who you are and what you do.
Thank you so much for having me. I’m really excited and I’m really honored to be a guest. I am ZY, Zoia, Success Catalyst, and there are a lot of people who are asking me, “Who is the Success Catalyst? It sounds really beautiful, it sounds really strong.” It is really strong and it is really beautiful. All these people, they’re calling them coaches.
I was like, “This is the difference. I am not a coach,” because the difference is that coaches have a lot of great, beautiful tools that they use, but they don’t talk to your soul. They don’t talk to your heart, they don’t experience your feelings.” What I’m doing, I am scanning you, who you are, what you are experiencing, what your feelings are, because there are so many people who come to me and say like, I am burned out. Help me with this.”
I was like, “Okay, let’s talk about this.” It appeared that the person is not burned out. The person is not following their own dream. They follow in some dream that a society told them to that would be nice to achieve it. That’s why they started really motivated and really emotionally like go in there doing and then they’re just like, “I’m not happy. What’s going on? Fix me. Zoia, fix me.” I was like, “You don’t need to be fixed. Everything is correct with you. Everything is right. You were great, but the only thing you need to do is change the path.”
In the past, I’m a domestic violence survivor, and currently, I am helping, encouraging, and discovering real authentic personalities in other people. It’s what I did to myself. I’m brutally honest. I’m not going to sugarcoat you and say like, “This is nice work.” I’m sorry, people, but this is an uncomfortable truth with ZY.
From Survivor To Authentic Self
Truly an epic story here. As you know, I’m about all things epic and some of the epic is not all sunshine and roses. Certainly, I’ve had some what I call the epic unexpected, things that have happened that are not necessarily the most positive, but I found a way to help strengthen myself. If you don’t mind taking a moment, you mentioned that you were a domestic abuse survivor. I’m very sorry for that. No one should have to deal with that, but share what you want about that experience, but more importantly, how that has helped you get to where you are, how it’s strengthened you.
That’s a beautiful question and I really appreciate it. It will be really an honest and raw response, and I think people will hear me out because this is who I am, who’ve been abused, who’ve survived domestic violence. What happened to me was partially my responsibility. Again, let be clear here from the beginning, I’m not justifying the guy. He’s a bad person. He did bad things to me, but my responsibility was that I ended up being open to get into a relationship with that person just because that was something undiscovered inside me. That undiscovered part is my authentic self. That part is that I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself. I didn’t value myself. I didn’t validate myself. All these nice, beautiful things, I was outsourcing to other people.
When I was given power over me to other people, those people become like a devil because you have the power over other people. What happened to me, I ended up in an abusive relationship. That was really painful and hurtful lesson, but now, I’m really grateful to that person. I’m really grateful to what happened to me because I discovered myself, my true self, my authentic self. You will hear from me this world multiple times, authentic because this is the core, this is the basis of our human nature, to discover and not to be afraid of who you are.
You might not be for everyone. You stop being a people pleaser. You stop being everything for everyone. You will start taking care of yourself. Some people might say like, “Something is wrong with you. You are not comfortable anymore and that’s why we don’t like you.” At that time, I was someone who owned myself, all these things that I just mentioned.
Decoding Authenticity: What Does It Really Mean?
One of the things you said that I think is an important thing is that you are owning the fact that it takes two people to be in a relationship. It’s not excusing this man who did bad things to you, but you’re right. Each and every one of us in our own life, we have choices. A relationship does take two people. Otherwise, it’s not a relationship. By authentic definition, a relationship takes two people and there’s work on both sides. I think that’s good. I’m fascinated. You’ve said your authentic self. What does that mean to you, Zoia?
It means that it is who I am. If you don’t like me and I don’t hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. We go in different directions. This is the courage to say to other per people or person, “I like you, you are a nice person, but you are not a great fit for me.” I’m not talking not just about relationships. I’m not talking about loving relationships. I’m talking about the partnership in the business in a work environment, employee or employment. I’m talking about friends, I’m talking about your relatives, parents, siblings, all those people.
That was a couple of times in my life where I needed to stop my friendship, my communication with my parents for a period of time until they will realize these are my boundaries. I love them. I’m grateful, I’m thankful for every single day they spent raising me, to spend money, their time, to give me whatever they can give me everything they couldn’t give me back at that time, I’m really grateful, but this is who I am. This is how I want to be treated, and this is what my boundaries are.
I’m not crossing your boundaries. Let me know what is your boundaries. I’m not trying to offend you. I’m not trying to manipulate or dominate. This is who I am. This is the authentic me. I know what is wrong and what is right for me because there is some values that people might say like, “This is unacceptable.” Why? It’s because society taught us you cannot be like that. You should be, I don’t know, married by 25, having already two kids and by the age, age of 30, you already should own the house and all these things. In my case, I want to own an apartment.
They were like, “It’s not a house. You’re so weird.” I’m not weird if we even talking about this. I’m smart. Let me explain you why. Do you want me to break down the numbers you’re paying for the house? Sometimes it’s tough. When you decided to like, “This is my boundaries, this is who I am,” the world, the society, the universe, the higher power, the God, whatever you believe in will test you by saying like, “Is it really you? Are you really ready to protect yourself and hold those boundaries?” There are so many people.
I set up my boundaries and no one is keeping them. What’s wrong with me? I’m sorry. Uncomfortable truth with ZY. You did not want to have those boundaries. You were trying to be nice to other people and secretly, you are hoping that if you would say, “Please, don’t do that to me,” they will automatically will say, “Of course, if ZY said so or if she or he said so, I’m going to do that.” No, people will do whatever is comfortable, more comfortable and profitable and truthful for them and then they will consider your boundaries. If you’re setting up your boundaries, those boundaries need to be solid.
Absolutely. Especially with our families and stuff.
Especially with our kids.
Navigating Boundaries With Family & Friends
I totally get that. I remember when I was a young adult, there was sort of that transition of asking my parents if I could go out and just telling them, “I’m going out to have dinner with ZY,” or, “I’m going to the movie,” or whatever. There is that transition that happens as an adult child. I will always be my parents’ child. My daughters will always be my daughters, no matter how old they get. It’s funny how there are the ways that we see, especially our family, because family knows each other so well.
First of all, and second of all, your boundaries are different with your family, with your wife, with your spouse, with your husband, with your kids. Your boundaries are different. When you are loving someone, it’s how we build. When you love someone, you want to give more. Sometimes you’re like, “I want so badly to give it, but I didn’t let them respect me on the level I want to be respected.” Sometimes you have this like, inner conflict and you’re just like, “What am I supposed to do?” That’s why I’m talking going about your authentic self.
I do think that you need to hold your boundary and call someone. No, you’re right. It isn’t comfortable. For example, parents will do this. They treat you as if you’re younger than you actually are and there’s a psychological component of conditioned response to conditioned stimulus. That whole idea that if dad talks to me this way, I react this way. To change that dynamic takes a lot of paying attention to what’s going on, paying attention to your own reaction going, “No, I want to change this.” For example, I’m just going to say because I’m a dad and I have daughters, and it doesn’t matter how big they are. I look and I see them at a particular age, as little girls.
I’ll give a better example, a stronger example. My younger sister, three years younger than me, she was married. When her husband would kiss her, it bothered me so bad. I’m like, “Get off of her.” The psychological picture I had in my brain was that she was like 6 or 7. Even though a fully grown woman. He’s her husband, of course, he can kiss her, but when I saw it, my internal reaction was, “Get off of her, you dirty old man. Just leave her alone.”
I shared that with her. I’m like, “This is so bad. I know I shouldn’t react this way,” but I’m her big brother and even though she’s a fully grown woman, fully independent, in my mind, she’s still seven. She and I, changing that dynamic, being her authentic self, and I’m like, “Okay, yes. I have to respect that. She is a fully independent, adult human being.”
Okay, this is a beautiful story. Okay, I got it. When she set up the boundaries with you for the first time, you felt a little bit uncomfortable, a little rejected.
I didn’t necessarily reject it. I understood because I was listening and I try really hard in my relationships to say, “Was it acceptable for me?” When I was 21 and I could legal legally drink, I’d go to a bar. When my younger sister goes to a bar when she’s 21, I got to go. “If it was okay for me because it was legal for me to go, why is it not right for her to go?”
Why I asked you about how you felt when she set up the boundaries, this is one of the reactions that you can get from other people who get used to that you have weak boundaries or you don’t have boundaries. First of all, as I mentioned, they say like, “No, it’s not comfortable for me right now, and I don’t care about your feelings. I care about my feelings. I want to have full access to your time, your money, your efforts, your energy. Now you’re taking that away. I used it for free. I didn’t exchange any energy with you. I didn’t exchange anything with you, but I had all this benefits from you for free,” and it’s like people getting mad and they start attacking you. That’s okay, that’s fine.
Another reaction can be that they feel rejected and that’s why they can start attacking you as well because like, “Hold on. For me, having the full access to you, that was like, we are a bond. We are all together. We are codependent relationships. We are one whole thing.” You’re like, “Now I need my personal time. I’m going to take a day off of our relationships or our family, our friends or our kids, whatever. I need this time for myself.” Another person, if he or she has some set of traumas, would say like, “No, please don’t leave me.” There can be a whole story behind all this.
Codependency & Healthy Relationships: Finding Balance
Definitely. One thing that you just said, I honestly think that there’s a certain amount of I’ll call it healthy codependency in any relationship. There has to be. There has to be a reliance of some sort between you and this other person. Otherwise, it’s not a relationship. If it’s one of partnership, be it in business, whatever, if you are like, “I don’t need this person at all,” well then that’s not really a relationship. You’re just using them. Let’s take an everyday example. You go into a restaurant. The relationship you have with the waitperson, you are relying on them to bring you your meal, but that’s about it.
That is a healthy way to communicate. For someone, it can be more closed than for another one when you are with your partner. For everyone, everything is okay. What is okay for you? There are no standards. There is no normal. When people are asking, “What is normal, this or that?” There is no standards for normal. Normal is when you feel comfortable about this. For example, for me, normal is having blonde hair. For you, normal is to have this little hair on your own. What is normal? I would start to say like, “You should have this long blonde hair.”
You’re just like, “No, hold on. She said that is normal, but I don’t feel comfortable.” You have this broken connection with yourself. You trust me. You trust someone else’s over something, anything. It can be what is better for you to eat, how to behave, what you say, where to go, what to do. You don’t have this trust with yourself. It’s broken between you and your own desires.
You’re asking someone and they saying like, “This is normal.” For example, some of the couples, they’re asking, “How much time per week we supposed to have sex? How many times is normal?” I was like, “I don’t know, guys. What is normal for you?” People got confused. They’re asking me what is normal. I was like, “I don’t know. I don’t have this answer.”
If I would say there’s something normal for me, like once a week, your partner would say like, “No, I don’t agree. I disagree.” There could be a strong reaction. This is between you. You discuss what is normal for you in the relationship, you discuss what is normal with yourself, what is good for you, for yourself. Only after that will you go to the world and connect your normal with the world, and that’s it. Maybe that sounds super easy, but at the same time, it takes courage to open up and meet yourself authentically. We are hearing all this healing. It’s really important and so beautiful. The bubble bath and unicorns, butterflies and flowers.
It takes courage to open up and meet yourself authentically.
I’m sorry. I will disappoint you. Healing is sleepless nights. This is crying in the bathroom floor. This is going nuts and crazy because you have no answers to the question that is sitting in your head. You want to back up, you want to go back to your old self because healing, it’s when you need your own self who you are, when you are discovering. That will be really hurtful and painful just because you were living for like 30, 40, 50 years.
It doesn’t matter how long. You just realized something is not connecting here. For my 35 years, I’ve been living with all these standards to myself, with all these limiting beliefs. I was so disrespectful to myself. I was neglecting myself. I was abandoning myself. You’re just sitting down holding your head. You cry like a baby because you realizing how much and how strong, how cruel and how abusive you were towards yourself.
The Power Of Self-Love & Setting Expectations
I say in my book that the meanest person in our life is ourself. The stuff that we say to ourself on a daily basis, I tell people to stop. Don’t be the meanest person in your life because the things that all of us say like, “I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not smart enough. I’m not beautiful enough. I’m not good enough.”
“People aren’t going to believe what I have to say. I’ve written a book, but it’s not worth the paper was written on,” or whatever that self-limiting belief is. The other thing, talking about relationships and stuff, you were talking about people coming to you and asking about intimacy and what is normal or whatever. I think the key to that, in doing my mental health counseling, I talk to lots of people and I’m like, “Okay,” I think it comes down to our expectations.
All too often, especially in our intimate relationships, we don’t share what our expectation is. The problem is we get frustrated, then I get mad because you didn’t meet my expectation, but I didn’t share that. My partner didn’t have an opportunity to say, “Yes, I can meet that,” “There’s no way I can meet that,” or, “Here’s what I’m willing to do.”
Let’s take your example of how often should we be having sex. You go, “Okay, Person A, how often do you think?” “I think it should be once a week.” Person B goes, “No, I think it should be once a day.” Okay, now we know what the expectations are. How can you two meet and decide what’s going to work for you? You’re right. Normal is whatever works for you. You have luscious blonde hair and it’s long. That works for you. I can’t grow hair that long. It’s not blonde. Whatever’s normal is what’s right for you.
How you feel comfortable.
You’re right. People don’t feel comfortable when you sometimes speak the truth, but you don’t have to apologize for being you. Not everyone’s going to like you.
You’re not $1 million, so everyone can love you. The only person that you need to fall in love with deeply is you. The greatest relationship that you will need to, you need, you must, you have, this is the requirement, to build with, the greatest one, it’s yourself. Believe me, when you build these great relationships with yourself, you’ll see the world differently.
I have to be my number one cheerleader. If I don’t believe in me, how on earth can I get ZY to believe in me? I can’t. If I’m in a relationship, I’ve got to like me enough to allow someone else to also like me. If I don’t like me, it’s really hard for the other person.
It’s always going to be a losing game because there is this codependence relationship, and the person who is not fulfilling himself or herself will try to find that fulfillment through another person. Guess what? That other person has its own needs as well, has its own values as well, how he dares own life, own interests, own friends. It doesn’t mean you need to be all together 24/7. I know those couples were, they were happy at the beginning and then in a year, they became really frustrated, unhappy. There’s like, “Something has changed. He or she is a different person.” No, he or she is running on empty because your partner was trying to fulfill all those gaps, those empty holes inside your soul and heart. He has limited resources, all this energy, all this power, all this money. It depends on what you were requesting from your partner.
It has limiting size or limiting time, whatever. We ended up in marriages where they’re just like, “I don’t like him anymore.” “Why?” “It’s because he’s not doing this and that and that for me anymore.” I was like, “But can he give it to you?” “I don’t know, but I want him to give it to me.” This is not how it’s working. He’s or she’s a person as well, has their own needs and values as well.
The point here is, we are talking about the relationships again, so in relationships, what is normal? This is my core message to this world. What is normal? It’s to get to know yourself. Only after that, you’ll end up in really great relationships with your partner, with your kids, with your siblings, with your parents, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your bosses, with your managers, with your neighbors, with everyone when you’ll be willing to discover yourself.
The only person that you need to fall in love with deeply is you.
I honestly could not agree more. Being comfortable with who you are and comfortable communicating what it is that you need, because an amazing thing happens. We get back to those expectations. If you ask for what you need, it’s amazing how much you’ll get. If you are in a loving relationship, your partner will do their best. It’s just not possible. They’re going to say, “No, I can’t do that. I’m not capable of doing that.” Now, although you may be temporarily disappointed, at least you’ve had that communication. You didn’t keep it in.
Yeah. You know the truth.
You know the truth and you can work from it and you can negotiate, because, like anything, there’s negotiation that goes on. We’d all like to get 100% of what we want 100% of the time. We are not. However, if we are able to say, “Alright, here’s what I want,” and we’ll take something simple like going out to dinner. “Let’s go to dinner. What do you want?” “I want sushi.” “I really don’t want sushi. I just had it for lunch.” “How about Italian?” “No, I’m not in the mood for Italian right now.” There’s that negotiation. Maybe you don’t get the sushi, but maybe you get to go to a seafood restaurant so you get your seafood, but I don’t have to eat sushi again. It’s that negotiation.
Meet in the middle.
Saying, “I don’t care,” that’s a cop out. You have to have an opinion. “What do you want?” “You choose for me.” That’s dangerous for the person who’s “making” the decision because the power dynamic has now shifted. Even though I’ve made the decision of where we’re going to go to dinner, if you don’t like it, now you get to blame me. “You made the wrong choice.” I’m in a lose-lose situation.
I was trying to understand, “I don’t care.” What does it mean? It means like when you are asking your partner like, “What do you want for dinner,” “I don’t care.” You make a decision. It’s what you were talking about.
If you don’t like it, I’ve just set myself up for an unbelievable amount of emotional pain because if you don’t like it, now I feel like I failed because you didn’t have a meal that that you enjoyed.
Of course. I’ve been in a relationship where like every time I was like, “Let’s go for dinner. Where do you want to go?” My partner was like, “I don’t care, whatever you want.” Sometimes, I was feeling that person wasn’t interested in spending time together. Multiple times I was like, “If you don’t want to go out for dinner, that’s fine.” For me, we live in this fast-paced world. Everything is so quick and fast and I’m trying to make those 2 hours once in 2 days to spend some time with my partner that I’m in love with. When I get a response like, “Whatever,” or, “Where you want to go. You make a decision,” I was like, “I am as tired as you are. If I am asking your opinion on something, it means that I want to hear your opinion because it’s important.”
Psychologically, in our brain, it is like something that connects us. When we are making decision on one simple thing together, it means the world, especially on those relationships that are on the edge. This little thing can help you to rebuild or to strengthen your relationship that is now is failing for some reason. A lot of work, you focus on your career or there is something going on in your life, so this is through life, your relationships with your partner. They are super important for you on top and then sometimes, it’s like somewhere like on the bottom, but that’s okay.
Your responsibility is just to make sure that you and your partner still have that connection every single day. We’re talking about relationships and making this little decision. I have this wonderful quote that I’m always telling to my clients. “Foreplay does not start in a bedroom. Foreplay starts when you wake up in the morning.”
Foreplay does not start in a bedroom. Foreplay starts when you wake up in the morning.
It is really important to understand when I’m talking about here. It is this little intimacy like, “Honey, I’ll make coffee for us.” It’s already something. “You made breakfast for us. Go take your shower or whatever your morning routine is. I’m going to take care of the dishes.” This is already foreplay, especially for women. If all these men who are reading don’t know what it means, it means it’s really important for women.
Connecting With Zoia & Building Your Epic Life
I couldn’t agree more. Believe it or not, our time is up here. It goes by so quickly, but that’s part of what makes Epic begins with One Step Forward because it is such epic conversations. How can people get ahold of you, find out more, or work with you?
Oh, it’s easy peasy. ZYEliteWoman.com. This is my website. ZY Elite Woman is my YouTube channel. You can hear a lot of epic episodes there. I’m talking really honest. @ZY_Elite_Woman is my Instagram. On my website, there are a couple of freebies on a lot of things. Feel free to ask me a question and to follow me. I’ll be happy to be a part of the success catalyst in your life.
Thank you so much for joining me. It has really been epic.
That was an epic conversation. I really appreciate you having me, and I hope one day, we’ll have this real conversation in private.
Absolutely. I want to remind everyone that if you’re ready to begin your epic journey, go to EpicBegins.com. As always, remember, epic choices lead to the epic life that you want.
Important Links
About Zoia Ye (ZY)
I am ZY – Success Catalyst. I don’t want people to just believe in themselves, I want them to advocate for themselves the way I did. I don’t tolerate weakness, but not because I judge it. It’s because I know the cost of staying stagnant. • I don’t talk about dreams—I show results • I don’t offer surface-level self-care—she delivers self-mastery • I don’t tell people what they want to hear—she tells them what they NEED to hear I’ll explain how to change rock bottom to unshakable power You will understand emotional strength. No more self-betrayal Will have understanding how to breakthroughs toxic cycle.
Cut the patterns, not just the people I am an author, carrying three degrees, multiple certifications in fields like Sexology, NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), Psychosomatics, and Neuroplasticity provides a multidimensional approach to personal growth, transformation, and empowerment and where each certification unlocks different layers of human psychology, behavior, and transformation. I am not just another mindset/life coach— I am an expert in personal transformation, relationships, and brain rewiring. I am a CATALYST.